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Those absolutely VILE internet hatahs are saying that nobody turned up to my auditions! Just because they have a picture of no queue doesn't mean nobody turned up. It was absolutely packed inside because there had been such a riot at the door to meet me that everyone got let in early. I've been surrounded by fit men all day!!!!!! HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!11
I think my favourite so far is someone called SexyMarky. He looks very similar to someone I used to talk to on MSN ALL THE TIME, but is NOT the same person. I obviously just go for a specific type! Comedy! We went out to a theme park and everything afterwards. Because he's only 16 he wasn't tall enough to get on some of the rides, but I lent him some of my most gorgeous and expensive designer £700 shoes, and he managed to sneak on!!11 The VJB theme park threw us out after this, because it's apparently against 'health and safety'! They obviously didn't realise I am the great and powahful Jodie Mush - health and safety mean nothing to me! Somebody once said that me contravening health and safety laws would be a gift to humanity. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it's a lovely thing to say! It's so nice to see that there's still some people out there keeping it real!
Speaking of Keeping it Veal, I had a load more hair extensions put in the night before I did the auditions, as well as some acrylic nails and I put my gawjus blue contact lenses in again. On top of that, I used my wonderful cream that keeps my skin at its natural colour. If I don't use it, for some reason it starts to fade. I think I've got that disease Michael Jackson has, so I need to use this special cream every day. It's really expensive and foreign and called something like Faykê Tän. It's dead good, would recommend it to anybody with my life threatening condition. I've sold my story to the papers about my brave fight, it's getting printed soon! Then the VJBs will see how ill and terrible I look with pictures of me all pale and suffering, and realise how mush healthier my sexy orange glow is. Keeping it Real is the way forward - be yourself, not anybody else!!!!!!
Anyway, the auditions were dead great! As well as SexyMarky there was a guy with a wonky eye and a really fantastic singing voice! I thought he was absolutely gorgeous and was about to take him home until the schoolteacher pointed out that was my brother Geordie! Ooops! Still, he IS gorgeous, it obviously runs in the family!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 I almost became a lesbian once when I saw the most gorgeous woman evah. I don't usually go for muff diving but she was the most beautiful and stunning person I have ever seen. I spent most of the night chatting her up in between downing seventeen vodka shots (I'm such a lightweight!) and then somebody told me it was actually a mirror!!!!11 Comedy! Still, going home with myself wasn't entirely wasted, as it meant I had a great night in with Tiffany. You know what I mean don't you girls?! ;-) Bettah than any man.
Still, there were so many fit men there today I didn't know where to begin choosing. The VJB press will try and say there was nobody there, but they're just jellus I can still pull! I'm so well known they actually sell papers just by being mean to me - how mental is THAT?! I'm planning my wedding dress as well - it has to be even more sexy and powerful than what I wore for the press launch. Belts are SO last season, I'm gonna wear shoelaces, with roses to cover my nips and mimsy. They'll match the boukey perfectly!! Then I'm going to have some sexy fur cankle coverers, some gawjus £17,000,000 6" patent leather dominatrix heels, and for my something blue I'll just get a new tattoo to celebrate the occassion!!! I need another one, my phobia of needles is coming back and getting a tattoo will help keep it away for a few weeks!! How amazing is that?!
I made sure to ask the fit men today lots of very important questions, such as Who is fitter? Me or that fake breasted poser Syria? Of course, they all said me. She's had to settle for a retired popstar while I am so famous and so popular I can't decide on just one man, I have to do auditions to lower the numbers a bit!!! I always have so many offers this was the nicest way to decide. The other questions included will they become veg-et-ar-i-un for me (which of course they all said yes to) The best guy was the one with the quorn chicken sandwich - he said it was called Gertrude or something and it tasted so realistic. If you hadn't known, you'd have said it was proper meat! Wowzers!!!1 I also asked would they be scared of being married to such a powahfull woman as myself, and could they cope with me being lusted after by men nationwide? Luckily none of them seemed to be bothered about the prospect of that! The most important question is can they keep up with me in the bedroom?! I'm not known as the human vagina for nothing you know! Even when I've had two bottles of vodka I'm still well up for it. I look like I'm unconscious but really they're having the best time of their lives!!!!!!!!!!11
Anyway, must go! I've just made some pizza from scratch and it's going to burn if I don't get it out the oven! Comedy!
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