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Brentwood (the not so nice part)
Semi-detached
3 Bedrooms
3 Cleaners
30 Hanger-ons
300 animal species
1 orange has-been glamour "model" (credit to The Sun)
The film crew wait outside Jodie's semi; ringing the doorbell a number of times.
Jodie eventually opens the door, bare chested and looking severely dazed. MTV automatically blurs Jodie's tits, so not to offend.
Jodie (slurred tone): "Wha?? is it mornin'? Where am I?! Oh I'm home, can't remember how I got back here... OK lets get this over wiv'"
The tour begins in the hallway
Jodie: "This is my hall and stairs. I use these stairs when I'm getting up in the morning. At nights when I'm occasionally tipsy after three cheeky vodka's, I'm carried up them by assisted by one of my best friends forevah in climbing them. They worry about me hurting myself after years of bullying in the press and at school that they won't even let me stand in front of a plate glass window on my own for the fear of me throwing myself through it! It really is comedy!!"
Jodie moves into the living room
"This is my living area. It has my internet where I like to do my blog. I always write my blog everyday. I think it's important to my fans that I'm always there for them. I also find writing my blog really therapeutic especially when one of my babies is sick or I want to rant about some vile celeb wearing fur.
Over there is my leather sofa in front of my 48inch wide screen surround home cinema, and faux fur Polar Bear rug. Many a happy hour has been spent by myself lying on that soft rug (I love the feeling of fake fur against the skin). It's lost it's original pure white colour now for all the times my babies have pooed all over it and the cleaners haven't properly cut it all out. Filth! And my beautiful leather sofa. You can still see the outline from the position I sat in all last summer when Big Brother was on! I'm about to rekindle my love affair with that position as it's back again now! Bye bye Bloggy!"
Jodie enters to kitchen
"This is my oven. As you probably know, this oven is only used sundays, when Marge makes her delicious roast in it. I only cook when I'm making pizza from scratch and put it under the grill. I have to watch her though because she can't be trusted alone with a kitchen full of food."
Jodie takes the crew up to her bedroom
"This is my bedroom. In my bed right now is three fit un-taken blokes who I have no memory of evah meeting, also my brov Geordie, Soulmates Kyle, Lauren, Vonnie the vampire slayer, Sarah eyebrows, Lindsey Dawn McKenzie visiting from Spain, her hubby (very nice might I add!) and about 25 of my babies. Awww! Lyla Plum is shitting in Geordie's mouth! He usually has no trouble doing that himself whenever he sings! Comedy! I'm like Basil Brush on fire this morning! Ha ha."
Jodie turns to her bedside table and to her pictures of Pixie and Kim.
"(sniff) This is my treasured picture of Kim, my sister and soulmate. As you can see it looks a bit blurred. That's because I had to photocopy it from my autobiography Keeping It Veal as I didn't have another. Kim was just like me; understanding, caring, selfless, and she never swore or made anyone feel bad. And this is Pix-"
Jodie discovers her picture of Pixie has been knocked to the floor
"(screams) Why meeeeeeeeee!!!! You bastards! (kicks the bed) One of you c**ts has murdered my baby Pixie for the second time! I will put you all on trial until I find out which one of you it was! I've never been so angry with someone not even that Russian prossie in Aiya Napa! Life is not f*cking fair! It's 'orrible, making me iwwwuuulll!!!!!!"
Jodie storms out and shows the crew her bathroom
"This is my bathroom. The smell of vodka scented puke is never far away. Speaking of... Urrrgh! I'm 'gunna be sick!!! Hold my hair someone!!"
The cameraman is forced into holding Jodie's golden locks and films as she falls to her knees and brings up a thick pink liquid into the toilet bowl.
"Urrrrggghh! We had strawberry smoothies with vodka last night! Still tastes yum! And that looks like carrot from lunch Marge maid!!"
After taking several minutes to recover, Jodie shows the film crew her garden
"I have the best garden evah! This is my new patio; I have a new one laid every few months as things get boring if they stay the same. Also to keep my remaining mates, I bought all of these hideous deck-chairs and trampolines. I get so lonely bouncing on there without thirty soulmates. Oh, and there's my circus at the bottom. Why else do you think I banged on about those Dinda's? Hideous creatures!"
"Well I guess that's everything. Until I'm made rich by this new show and can buy a house next door to Keira Knightly. We'll be great mates! You have to go now because Big Brothers' just starting and I have to go and pick out my victim for this year who I can leech onto and compare my bullying to, which of course will be worse than anything they suffer! and phone Jo to tell her I can't do the Dublin auditions cause' I'm 'ill' ha ha! Byyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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