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Oh my God it's 4:30 in the morning and I have so much to say that it's stopping me from sleeping. Not that I normally have any trouble sleeping what with all my snugly little babies to cuddle up to and my dreams about my new future hubby SexyMarky Cockflop. Who said that? I don't know who my new husbands' going to be; I won't know that until the end of the blummin' show; It definitely hasn't already been planned out that he will win! You're crazy! I'm so so SO excited about seeing it all on MTV; the best channel EVER! Thankyou for giving me a opportunity to show off my God given talents and to show the normally vile British public that I truly am not the annoying, big gobbed, sex-crazed, man stealing tramp that every show I've ever appeared on has hideously edited me to look like - except for Get Jodie Mush A Life of course! That wasn't given the chance and I was doing really really well in that! It was obviously the freaks they selected to take part, and you vile haters for picking apart my flawless presenting skills. Thanks you selfish bunch of bastards and bitches! You just had to steal my perfect moment to get this vile country to actually like me for once didn't you! Bunch of c*nts; you all really really need to step it up and get that shag you're all obviously desperate for! Anyway, like Celebrity Big Brother it's time I made a clean slate and forgot about all the bad that's been inflicted upon me; and I'm nearly there with Who'll Kick Jodie Mush Up The Arse; coming to your screens this July!!!!!
Where was I? Oh yeah; did you see me on Sky News this weekend?! I was out shopping for some cankle covers (not that I need them but the bible that is Anorak.co.uk insists!) and apparently, every teenage girl in the UK thinks I am the perfect role-model. I know! Oh that has made my year! And it doesn't stop there; they all want MY life as well! Somebody peel me off the ceiling! This has given my self-esteem that mush needed boost back to 200%. It feels so good to know I'm loved in that age and gender category; that's the one I've always gone after! Not in that way silly; although I did have a very revealing dream about Louisa Lytton the other night! (did you know Louisa is my middle name?). It involved her, the Samanda's from Big Brother (They'll be my best mates when they get out I just know it!) and an empty, dark coal bunker! Oh and me of course! Anyway (getting sidetracked here, not like me usually at all!) what I meant was ever since I was nearly murdered everyday from the age of 12-17, I have always tried to make future girls of that age see that I'm really the best thing on offer and how 'portant it is to keep it real. And it's paid off! I'm so proud of myself; now if only I could make every other genre of female stop being jellus of me my life would be complete; I could feel that I'd be happy to die at 28 because I'd done and achieved everything in life that I'd wanted to do; the only thing left for me is to try one of those Peanut Butter KitKats. Oh! and get married of course!! Comedy!!!
Now onto less happy matters; yesterday whilst having a coffee in LooWater I happened to see one of the girls that used to bully me in my first year of primary school. It was horrible!! I was sitting down but I clearly could feel my legs going from underneath me and my whole body overcome with pain as my eyes followed the bitch as she window shopped with a small little girl (couldn't have been more than five). Anyhoo, I couldn't finish my coffee I was that bothered by 'the bitch' as I will call her; Geordie was with me and sensed my dilemma as my hands started to shake and he obviously felt my feelings crying silently inside my chest. He's telepathic like that! As well as an ace musician!! He put his hand on my quivering shoulder and said "Jodes, if you wanna go and put that bullying monster in her place, then I'll come with you for back-up moral support". A lone tear ran down my cheek as me and Geordie looked into each others eyes and made our decision together. I quietly pushed the table where we were sitting over on it's side and stormed over to ‘the bitch’ with my teeth gritted ready for the retaliation that I'd been planning since aged 7. I got right in her face and politely screamed; "How dare think you can enter the same building as me! I might have been a nobody when you mentally tortured me but I'm now a powerful model and successful TV presentah and won't stand for it anymore!!". ‘The bitch’ then had the nerve to say to me, as if she thought she had the right to speak to me in the first place; "I'm sorry but I have no idea who you are, please leave me alone you are scaring my daughter"".
With that I just flipped; not only was this monster insinuating that I'm a zelebrity (the worst thing ever!) but she also had had the nerve to have kids BEFORE me too. I screamed at her; "You c*nt!!!! The reason you have had kids before me was because you were a bully and left me so traumatised that I've never had the confidence to find men in a normal way. Just watch MTV sunday nights at 10pm if you don't believe me!" I've never been so angry with someone. Then; it gets better; she rather foolishly asked me if I was Syria!!!!!!! She'd pushed the red button. Upon hearing this Geord, who was great massaging my shoulders as I screamed at ‘the bitch’, lost it (he hated sharing the same name as the other bitch) and screamed "FATTY!!!!" in the dog's face, going all red in his cross-eyed but gorgeous face. The bitch's little girl let out one long continuous scream at this, she was clearly too young to realise Geordie's sex appeal! This caused "security" to be called. And you never guess what happened; me and Geord were the ones removed!! Life is not f*cking fair! That bitch poked her tongue out at me when we were 7 and got away with it!!! Twice!!! What is the world coming two when bullies have better lives than they're victims! I nearly killed myself over that girl! I think I'll leave the country!!!!
Got to go now; the housemates are about to go to bed which means it's my time to sleep too. I'd love to be in that house I really would! Things would be so different! I'd be best friends with Chanelle!
Lots of love from the greatest role model evah! (I really think I'm the new Princess Diana with a bit of Eva Peron thrown in!)
Princess Jodie Mush x
P.S. Quote of the day comes from Charlene and the best song evah "I've Never Been To Meeeeee"; Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht. I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see. I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.
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