Jodie Mush

Well it finally happened I am now Mrs Jodie Mush-Cockflop! I can’t believe that my day came and went so quickly, but at least I’ve got tons of photos to remember it by – I was trying to get a magazine deal, but in the end my mate Dodgy Dave donated a whole load of disposable cameras – sadly he couldn’t make it to the big day, the Boots store that he works in was done over, and he went to take some time off to get over it – bless.

Anyway – it was without a doubt the best wedding EVAH, but in typical style those vile hatahs tried their best to ruin it, so let me tell you the truth about what really happened – and why people are still out to get me.

Just lately people have been accusing me of setting this whole thing up just to get a free wedding, which is a big load of crap and here’s why:

Yes Marky and I knew each other before the show, he was the MSN boy I was drooling over, he was in China when I pitched the idea to NTV, and was so excited about it that he flew over to the UK to help me plan it.  Marky stayed at mine for a bit (Parge even put shelves up for him!) to give me support, he even came to a charity shop sale with me – what dedication! But that was it, there was nothing going on and then he went back to China.

Anyway when the auditions started Marky flew back, he’d obviously been pinning after me – and let’s face it why wouldn’t he, I not called the human vagina for nothing (not that we slept together when he came over the first time mind!) – and came back to stop me marrying some disabled, desperate wannabefamousofmyback type, now I know that’s not the way to talk about fans who waited for hours to see me, but hey I’m just keeping it real.

Even though I spent every night from his audition with Marky, I still hadn’t made my mind up about who I was going to marry until a big board meeting with NTV.  The meeting with NTV was horrendous! Firstly they tried to make out that I was in breach of contract by being with Marky, which is ridiculous because Marky and I helped write the contract – so both of us were fully aware at all times that we were ok with what we were doing.  Then they told us that they were cutting the budget for the wedding! the c*nts! Apparently they did have a deal with OKAY for exclusive magazine coverage, but some jellus hater told one of their people that I said they were all a bunch of Syrian-worshipping fucktards!!! As if I would say something like that! Well to cut a long story short the money that NTV lost out on from the deal was taken out of the wedding budget – so we had to look at ways to raise some money, because if I wasn’t going to get my Princess Diana day then no-one was getting married.

I rang my mate Dave CourtneyCoxArquette and he said he’s send some of his boys to do security for me, they’re all a bunch of double-hard murdering bastards, who would happily bury people alive in the hills for me if I so wished – which was good because I’m fed up of dealing calmly and politely with fat lesbians who couldn’t get a shag.  Because no matter how nice I am, people like that always try to make me out to be a cheap, foul-mouthed bigot – why me?

So security was sorted, and Marge n Parge said I could use the communal area out the back at their place – the other neighbours would just have to put up with it, well it was only for one day afterall.  Dave’s boys arrived earlier in the week to set up the ground-to-air missiles to keep the paparazzi helicopters at bay, so that was one less thing to worry about.  Next we had to start thinking about the cake and a ton of other stuff.  You might remember my friend Gay Stewie, well I use the term friend loosely – traitorous twat he turned out to be! I’ve helped him out so many times, letting him blog for me and do my housework, hold my hair back – I even let him refer to me as his friend in public! Anyway he quit his job to help with the wedding, of course in hindsight it was only so that he could get famous – well ha ha Stewie that backfired didn’t it! How does it feel to be papped in all the weekly mags with desperate ex-Big Brother contestants?

Jordy came up with a great idea for getting the cake, we wrote to Mr Kipling and told them that they were all a bunch of racist bastards – why have they never made white cakes I ask you?!  Of course with all the hoohaa caused by Shilpa Shetty in CBB (I can’t believe she is still getting so much attention, when it was me that was bullied the worst) Mr Kipling couldn’t afford to get embroiled in all that, so to prove to everyone that our accusations were unfounded, they made me a huge white fondant fancy as my wedding cake! Seriously, how outrageous is that – you just couldn’t make it up!

Anyway in the end we blagged about £30,000 worth of funding, you may remember that I blogged about blagging is the way forward, well heed my advice – it’s true.  The day went by without a hitch, although Stewie kept complaining that his hernia was playing up – what a fucking attention seeker.  As you know, I have several qualifications (including a bronze award at swimming) and with all my knowledge I have never heard of a condition called hernia! He obviously made it up to take the focus off of me – the bastard.

Anyway the day nearly went without a hitch, most of it was lovely but the evening do was slightly marred by some pissed up cow that was related to a member of the band.  She jumped into giant paddling pool we’d hired with all her clothes on and splashed me – I would have had her by the throat against the wall, but Dave CourtneyCoxArquette managed to plunge an axe into her back before I could get to her.

The day was over far too quickly, and unfortunately I was too pissed at the end of the night to enjoy some passion with Marky – comedy!

Anyway I’ll be back to write again soon after we get back from our classy honeymoon.

Love you all

Mrs Jodie Mush-Cockflop

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