The one where the Queen has returned from exile and she's feistier than evah!!!!!!!!

That's right folks! The Scarlet Woman has returned! I can't believe I ever thought I could change; For once my haters were actually right! I mean, me; settling down and having a broad of screaming brats and dressing like some normal freak. I tried, and it's BORING!!!! No way! Give me a jumping nightclub with a stripper pole and fifty fit blokes all competing for my attention (and willing to pay for cheeky vodka's on tap) anyday! And you know who I blame for trying to change me? My now ex husband SexyMarky CockFlop! Or Manky as I am now calling him. We've "separated"; as in I dumped HIM to the freak that PM'd me earlier. Manky Cockflop you are a poncing, plastic-haired, bleached teethed, fame craving, knobjocky!

It all started so well too. We managed to go 6 WHOLE minutes without a blazing row and him nearly strangling me since returning from our 'oneymoon in Panama. We decided after the whole NTV set up (as in I was the one set up and me only!) that we needed to go as far away as possible; disappear even! But once we were there people recognised me; Even I was surprised! I had some random bird yell out to me "So that's why her blog has disappeared!". Filth! So; after we got home and I found out that S&M had misplaced my new contract and Joy (my publicist) had changed her mobile number but forgot to tell me, I came up with one of my brilliant ideas! NTV had made a fool of me; just like the evil British press have done every single day of my famous life; so I knew that the only way to convince the public to adore me again would be if me and Manky went on a reality show! I thought; "Yeah, this will be my opportunity to show them the REAL us!". So we set about finding a decent enough reality show, and then Manky came back and said the only thing on offer was a vile show called "I'm Married To The 8th Most Pointless Celebrity On Earth, Get Me Out Of It!". I was nearly hysterical! I have made it one of my life's promises never do to a show that my monster ex Frodo took part in; but Manky wasn't prepared to wait as his "reputation was on the line from marrying me" and decided to go on the show alone like the fucktard he is!! The show is filmed out in some country far far away (I think maybe Scotland?!) so I was left alone with only ST Laura for company! I thought about getting revenge on Manky by phoning up one of the other two blokes I nearly married but was tricked into picking plastic-boy instead. Edwardo; (the one I shagged) has also changed his number (what is it with everyone getting new phones whilst I was away?!!) and I couldn't even remember the other guys' name. ST Laura said it sounded something like Doritos; always got food on her mind that one! Never mind my crisis!! So selfish! AND she's gone into school today like some sad bookworm instead of bunking off and having fun with me!

So I tuned in to see Manky settle in on the show, and like Big Brother, I found myself addicted! There were loads of other celebs there which I just know I would have got on with; I saw Rebecca Loos' old school teacher; Abi Titmusses' next door neighbour; someone an X-Factor reject once went out with; and that Chanelle Hayes from this years' BB!! I was actually quite sad I wasn't there after a few days. But then; the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened!!! On Day 5... They put Claire King in!!! My Marky, alone with her! Well it was the final straw; I waltzed into the ITV studios and demanded they put me in there; as not only was I trying to save my marriage but I thought I'd also be the one to save the show. Think of all the ratings they'd get if I turned up; and I also heard Chanelle talking about how a love story would make the public warm to a celeb like they had done with her; so I thought I couldn't lose! And you know what happened? The bullies at ITV told me I wasn't famous enough to go on the show!!! ITV I HATE YOU AND WILL NEVER WORK WITH YOU AGAIN!!!!!!!

So I had to return home and watch as Ming (as I will call her) began chasing MY hubby-wubby. And nobody else on the show had the decency to take her aside and say politely "You know what Ming, you bitch; SexyMarky is married to the gorgeously beautiful and naturally talented Jodie Mush; She doesn't deserve to be humiliated in such a way; She does so mush for Charidee; And has an IQ of 380 million, which you clearly do not; Don't you think she deserves a break?" but NO! they all acted as if I didn't exist. Anyway finally, when the vile paps remembered Manky was my husband; I was invited to tell my story on GMTV. I sat with Fiona Phillips and calmly and politely pointed into the camera and screamed "Hark my words Manky and Ming! Karma is a five letter word!". Fiona Phillips then punched me so I don't remember a whole lot after that!

Oh well. At least I can say I've been married; and use it in an argument against some short-haired bird one day; and two months is a long time compared to some of today's standards; I would compare myself to Anthea Turner if I didn't already hate her so mush! And if I ever see the vile Claire Ming in Brentwood I will run her down with my monster truck!!

I'm back on the pull! All men abord because the Jo Jo is ready to leave the station! I want a man sooooooooooooo badly!!!! Gimmie Gimmie!!! COME AND GET ME BOYS!!!!!

Mrs. Jodie Mush CockFlop (I think I'll keep my married name as Mrs makes me sound more dominant in the bedroom!)

P.S; Note to VIM; thought I'd forgotten about you huh?! You should know better than going round my hometown wearing a T-shirt with the names of all the other local estate agency bods scrawled all over it! Stop trying to get famous off my back! You know that was my idea and the Sexspert T-shirt did very well at auction!

P.P.S; Marge's roast was burned today. We are all very sad and I will be getting a tattoo with ROAST printed between my upper lip and nostrils. It will save me on the lip-gloss I usually use on that part of my face; but for now, a poem written by Parge; he's so talented in times like this!

You were in the oven for such a long time, you took many minutes to prepare, possibly more than nine
Would you have tasted nice with mint-sauce, we just don't know. We only wish Marge hadn't been so slow (getting you out of the oven!)
Now in our stomachs there is a void, an empty place.
We haven't been so annoyed since Jodie tried to sell that suitcase (thanks haters!)
I ask this now, for we are still uncertain;
Has my daughters' blog seen it's final curtain
We say farewell, but not goodbye
Coz' since the cleaners quit the house is a pig-sty! (come back Natt and Kerry!)